February 6, 2015

The one where I spice up your life...

...but in a clean and fun way because that title is a bit suspicious.

At lunch today I mentioned to my co-workers that I write a blog. Well, two blogs. They of course seized upon that information like a starving dog with a bone. They thought it was hilarious and found such amusement in it. I was glad because I aim to please by keeping people amused, but then again I was a little shy about it. It may not seem like I'm shy about letting people read my writings since I write two online blogs for Pete's sake, but I really am. I only get through it because I never check how many people read it and if/when people do praise me I just blush and move past it. In any case these folks were super eager to hear about my latest post and I told them all about 'Arizona' and the case of 'relax and chill'. They loved it! (At least they said they did.) One co-worker made a comment about how she wouldn't have anything to write a blog about because her life is so boring. I, of course, immediately heard "spice up her life!" and the challenge was accepted! Here's how I spiced up her life...

Today was a cold and windy day. Not one of those typical cold and windy January days you only seem to experience in the suburbs of Washington D.C. or the tundra of Siberia. Today there was a chill in the air that seemed to suck all the happiness out of my soul. It lashed with a harshness that made me lament for any exposed piece of skin. My poor face was taking the brunt of it. The face that was used to the warmth and beauty of the Caribbean sun was undergoing a torture that was unequaled. Every step I took seemed like an uphill battle, like I was Sisyphus, King of Corinth, doomed to forever push a boulder up a hill. The ten-minute walk seemed interminable and I cursed every dreaded step. I closed my inner eye and tried to soothe my soul because I knew a bigger battle awaited me; work. Today I needed to don my armour and prepare my sword and get ready to do battle with Abby, my demon of a boss. She loved work and loved making our environment similar to hell, from which she had sprung. She pumped freezing cold air into the office in the mornings, so cold we had to wrap our hands in order to type. In the afternoons, hot air blasted from the vents in an effort to reverse any damage from the morning’s cold air. However, the damage had already been done. My brain had stalled and refused to restart. It whimpered, “No more, please no more.” I sadly whispered, “I’m sorry brain! There isn’t anything I can do.” Tears formed in my eyes. Whether they were from the harsh wind or knowing what my future held, I didn’t know. I saw a shadow on the ground in front of me and I grimaced. I knew without looking what caused that shadow. It was the shadow of a building that haunted my dreams. Nightmares really. I took a deep breath and steadied myself. “You can do it,” I thought as I walked through the door.

February 4, 2015

Adventures in Dating: Relax dude, it's all chill...

I'm baaaaack! Not in the creepy Jack Nicholson/Shining way, but more in the kick-ass Randy Quaid/Independence Day way. It's been a while, I know, and you can blame it on graduate school. It's amazing and the most fun I've ever had in school, but it also sucks up all your free time and leaves you with a shell of a life. I decided now that I have more free time I could maybe start online dating again. What a great idea! Not. If I sound less than enthused it's because during my very first conversation with the dude, let's call him Arizona, told me to 'relax' AND 'chill' in practically the same breath. In case you're wondering what's the big deal, I'll tell you! To me, and lots of people I know, saying relax, chill, calm down, etc when they're not angry or worked up, but simply expressing an opinion that the other person doesn't agree with is a good way to actually make them angry or worked up. I've posted the screenshots here, but I should preface this by saying he does digital analytics for a living. If you're wondering what that is, why, I'll tell you! You know when you visit a website and you're like "ooooh, that's cute" and then you go to Facebook, Mother Jones, Forbes or basically any website that shows ads and all of a sudden that dress/pair of shoes/external hard drive you were checking out is featured in an ad on that site and you're like "omg they're stalking me!" Well, yes they are. That's what cookies are! I'm sure you all know this. At least I hope so. This guy didn't think I knew that and sent a good three or four messages telling me about it before I looked back at the conversation and told him "stop, I get it, I live in the 21st century."  (Or something more polite.) Anyhoo, he later asked for my last name and I wasn't going to give anyone my full name so they could look me up online, especially a self-confessed professional creeper! I told him that and here's what he had to say! I'm sure a lot of it is me overreacting, but on the other hand I really do hate when people tell me to relax especially when I don't want to do something and I say so and they turn it back on me to seem like I'm  crazy, overreacting, or emotional. Word of advice dude, it's just not cool. I'm not the only one who feels this way. Thoughts? Did I overreact? Was he just a ridiculous person?